So, I am going to my first soccer game this weekend, with actual fans of the game. I know nothing about soccer except what I have learned from a casual perusal of fanfic and various pre-World Cup picspams of attractive players. Can you offer any advice on, you know, the rules (other than "Thou Shalt Not Take a Neutral Position on Cristiano Ronaldo")?
Precious baby lamb!!! You have come to the completely wrong place for any kind of meaningful analysis of The Beautiful Game. But I will offer you what commandments I know.
- When That Thy Team Putteth the Ball Into The Net of the Other Team, Thou Shalt Rejoice, and when that the other team putteth the ball into thy net, likewise shalt thou sorrow.
- There Shall Be Eleven Persons Upon Each Team. In different tactical formations mayst thou arrange them, but in general they shall fall into one of four categories.
- There shall be Forwards, who run quickly and score goals; there shall be Midfielders, who direct the ball and often create the larger strategy; there shall be Defenders, who stop the other forwards from scoring goals: and there shall be a Goaltender, who standeth before the net, and becometh very emotional when he cannot see the action at the other end.
- And For All Things Shall the Goaltender Unfairly Be Blamed, yea, although it is not his fault, but the fault of the defense: what the fuck wert they doing? Where the fuck hath they been, this whole game? Ahh, what the fuck.
- A Stripey Man Shall Run Around With The Ball: he shall see little, and that which he sees, shall comprehend not: he shall be called The Referee, and receiveth the loathing of both sides.
- Two Persons Shall Stand Upon Each Touchline: they shall see little, and that which they see, shall comprehend not: they shall be called Linesmen, and receiveth the loathing of both sides also.
- He That Commiteth a Misdemeanor, Shall Receive a Yellow Card; He That Committeth an Atrocity, or Any He That Playeth Defense Against Barcelona, Shall Receive a Red Card; and He That Receiveth Two Yellow Cards, Hath Thereby Received a Red.
- He Who Receiveth a Red Card Must Leave The Field. Let the weeping of his teammates be heard in echo across the hills, let them beat their breasts and threaten the referee with arcane tortures! It shall be in vain. The Red Carded must leave, and sit upon the bench, and brood upon the injustice.
- Whether Thou Callst It Soccer, or Whether Thou Callst It Football, No One Cares: quarrel not about the nomenclature, for that argument is boring, and despised in the eyes of this BLOG.
- If That America Should Make It Far Enough To Play England, and Thou Art American, Cheer Not For England: for the others in the bar can hear thy accent: we know thou art not British, okay. Why dost thou not go commit the sin of Onan while thinking about Benedict Cumberbatch drinking tea? Arroint thee, false Redcoat, for thou art not welcome.
- If Any Man Shall Use The Term “Real Fan” In A Non-Satirical Fashion, Or If Any Man Shall Command That Thou Explain Unto Him The Offsides Rule, That Man Is Not Shit. Thou owest him no explanation; if that thou oweth anything, it is pity, for that man is basic, and a Neckbeard.
- But Actually, The Offside Rule Is Not That Complicated.
- Thou Shalt Indeed Not Take a Neutral Position on Cristiano Ronaldo. Neither shalt thou take a negative position on Cristiano Ronaldo, the world’s greatest living soccer player, a gift to this earth, and a precious kitten. She that so doeth, turneth away her face from the works of this BLOG: she shall be cast into the outer darkness.